หำเทียม Ham Tiam (Dildo)

Music and Lyrics by ยืนยง โอภากุล Yuenyong Opakul, aka แอ๊ด คาราบาว Aed Carabao
Album: เมดอินไทยแลนด์ Made in Thailand (1984)
THIS ALBUM IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED but not currently available at eThaiCD.com. Go to eThaiCD and search on “Made in Thailand” to try to find a copy.

Note: This song can be compared to the bubblegum pop song from the 1970s, Little Willy” by The Sweet.The two songs are similarly catchy, silly, and mildly naughty (“Little Willy” may be more ambiguously naughty, but the success of the song is certainly due in part to its perceived naughtiness.) So for the eyebrow-raising translation notes: The man in this song’s story is named “Ham,” which is in the Isaan dialect, can mean either a “lad” or ‘penis’ or ‘testicles.’ “Ham” is a cute and friendly word for “penis,” and yes, some boys, are named “Ham,” like the man in this song. The title of the song is หำเทียม (Ham Tiam), means “artificial penis” or “dildo,” but refers to the longer word หำ[ผสม]เทียม Ham [Pasom] Tiam, which means “artificial-mixing penis,” or “artificial insemination,” and in this song we are thinking about the male livestock’s part of that process. Because the man in the story is named “Penis” this innocent little story about a man too poor to get married is riddled with likely double entendres, which I have not confirmed, but some candidates may be, “Ham wants just one wife,” “Ham completely drops,” “Ham has to do without,” “Ham tries,” “Ham’s fields are small and getting smaller as he’s been doing it for many years,” “Ham has to rent his fields,” etc. Substitute the name “Willy” for “Ham” to get the sense of it. This song has a sequel, called “Ham Hian” or “Ham is Strong Enough to Do It.”

นาหำมีน้อยเหลือเพียงจ้อยร่อย
naa hăm mee nói lĕua piang jôi rôi
Ham’s fields are small, and have been gradually getting smaller
ข้อยทำมาหลายปี
kôi tam maa lăai bpee
As he has been doing [it (farming)]* for many years
อย่าตัดรอนตอนข้าวไม่ดี
yàa dtàt ron dton kâao mâi dee
Don’t break up with him just because the rice hasn’t done well
ช่วยหำสักที อยากมีเมียสักคน
chûay hăm sàk tee yàak mee mia sàk kon
Please help Ham. [He] just wants one wife.

ความจนเป็นอุปสรรค
kwaam jon bpen u-bpà-sàk
Poverty is an obstacle
กีดขวางทางรักของชายโสดหญิงสาว
gèet kwăang taang rák kŏng chaai sòht yĭng săao
Blocking the path of love between men and women
รักกันชอบกันต้องกินข้าว
rák gan chôp gan dtông gin kâao
Couples who love each other must [also] eat.
แต่งกันตัวเปล่าจะเอาอะไรทำกิน
dtàeng gan dtua bplào jà ao a-rai tam gin
If they get married having nothing, how are they going to make a living?
ที่ดินหำยังต้องเช่า
têe din hăm yang dtông châo
Ham’s still has to rent his fields [in order to grow rice]
หำบอกจะเอาอะไรต่อรอง
hăm bòk jà ao a-rai dtòr rong
Ham wonders what he has for bargaining [over a dowery]**
น้องนางคงไม่เห็นใจแน่
nóng naang kong mâi hĕn jai nâe
The lady is unlikely to empathize [and accept his proposal], that’s for sure!
ปีนี้นาหำแย่ หำคงต้องแก่ไปตามลำพัง
bpee née naa hăm yâe hăm kong dtông gàe bpai dtaam lam-pang
This year, [Ham’s] fields are terrible. Ham will probably have to get older all alone

นาหำมีน้อยเหลือเพียงจ้อยร่อย
naa hăm mee nói lĕua piang jôi rôi
Ham’s fields are small, and have been gradually getting smaller
ข้อยทำมาหลายปี
kôi tam maa lăai bpee
As he has been doing [it] for many years
อย่าตัดรอนตอนข้าวไม่ดี
yàa dtàt ron dton kâao mâi dee
Don’t break up with him just because the rice hasn’t done well
ช่วยหำสักที อยากมีเมียสักคน
chûay hăm sàk tee yàak mee mia sàk kon
Please help Ham. [He] just wants one wife.

ก่อนนี้มีที่นาทำเนา
gòn née mee têe naa tam-nao
Formerly, [Ham] had fields that were tolerably good
อีตอนเค้าลงค่าข้าว หำเอาที่นาจำนอง
ee dton káo long kâa kâao hăm ao têe naa jam-nong
When they lowered the price of rice. Ham, mortgaged the field
เหลือหน่อยเดียวพอได้เก็บเกี่ยวใส่ท้อง
lĕua nòi dieow por dâai gèp gìeow sài tóng
Leaving only a little, enough that I can harvest and put [food] in my stomach
ฝนไม่มาไม่มอง ท้องไม่มีที่ไม่พอ
fŏn mâi maa mâi mong tóng mâi mee têe mâi por
The rain doesn’t come; we don’t see it. The stomach doesn’t have [anything], there isn’t enough land.
ต้องขอเช่าเงินเก่าหำลงหมด
dtông kŏr châo ngern gào hăm long mòt
He needs to rent [land for growing more rice]. The savings of Ham completely drops.
ไม่ทำหำอดใครจะปลดหนี้สิน
mâi tam hăm òt krai jà bplòt nêe sĭn
If he doesn’t do it, Ham has to do without. Who will erase the debt?
ทำเท่าใดได้คนอื่นเอาไปกิน
tam tâo dai dâai kon èun ao bpai gin
However much he makes, someone else [the creditor] takes and consumes it
ดอกที่จำนองดิน มันหินมันเกลือเค็มๆ
dòk têe jam-nong din man hĭn man gleua kem kem
The interest rate on the mortgage is extortionary***

นาหำมีน้อยเหลือเพียงจ้อยร่อย
naa hăm mee nói lĕua piang jôi rôi
Ham’s fields are small, and have been gradually getting smaller
ข้อยทำมาหลายปี
kôi tam maa lăai bpee
As he has been doing [it] for many years
อย่าตัดรอนตอนข้าวไม่ดี
yàa dtàt ron dton kâao mâi dee
Don’t break up with him just because the rice hasn’t done well
ช่วยหำสักที อยากมีเมียสักคน
chûay hăm sàk tee yàak mee mia sàk kon
Please help Ham. [He] just wants one wife.

เมื่อไพร่ฟ้าชาวนาใบหน้ามัน
mêua prâi fáa chaao naa bai nâa man
When the citizens, the farmers’ faces are oily [soaked in sweat]
ดังถูกเขาจับทำหมันอยู่กันไปตามยถา
dang tòok kăo jàp tam măn yòo gan bpai dtaam yá-tăa
It’s as if someone’s caught and sterilized them all.**** [They are] living aimlessly.
เงินไม่มีขันหมากไม่ยกมา
ngern mâi mee kăn màak mâi yók maa
[They] don’t have money. There is no betel bowl to raise up [to the bride’s parents during the wedding ceremony]
แม่น้องนางบ้านนา เห็นใจเถิดหนาหำพยายาม
mâe nóng naang bâan naa hĕn jai tèrt năa hăm pá-yaa-yaam
The girls of countryside sympathize with him. Ham is trying
ความจนถึงมันเป็นอุปสรรค
kwaam jon tĕung man bpen u-bpà-sàk
Poverty is an obstacle
แต่ของชอบของรักใครจะหักใจลง
dtàe kŏng chôp kŏng rák krai jà hàk jai long
But when it comes to love, who can give up?
เห็นวัวควายผสมหลอดแล้วนึกปลง
hĕn wua kwaai pà-sŏm lòt láew néuk bplong
[He] sees the cattle breeding by artificial insemination tube and he realizes desperately
อีกไม่นานหำคงต้องลงเข้าคิวผสมเทียม
èek mâi naan hăm kong dtông long kâo kiw pà-sŏm tiam
Not much longer and Ham will probably have to get in line for artificial insemination/sperm collection

*The sentence doesn’t specify what he was doing, but the implication, at least on primary level, is he has been doing farming for many years now.
**It is a Thai tradition that a groom has to pay some money to the bride’s family on their wedding day.
***หิน meaning “rocks” is slang meaning ‘tough’ or ‘difficult’ or ‘mean’; เกลือ meaning “salt” is slang means ‘greedy’ and ‘selfish’; so the phrase มันหินมันเกลือเค็มๆ word-for-word means “it’s rocks, it’s really salty salt” but it implies the interest rate is unacceptably high, so I translate “is extortionary.”
****The weird metaphor here may be dictated by the rhyme. The word for “oily” rhymes and matches well with the word for “artificial insemination.” But the idea is that when the farmers are struggling so hard, it is as if they are sterilized because no one wants to marry someone so poor.

Carabao in English

หำเทียม Ham Tiam (Dildo)

Lyrics Translations for the Band